9 REMARKABLE LESSONS LIFE HAS TAUGHT ME
I lead a quiet life and I’m awkward with attention — that’s why you’ll rather find me indoors reading, writing, exercising or sleeping. My daily routine is monotonous to a lot of people, but I’m grateful. In my life, so much has happened — the good, the bad, the ugly and even so much more — but trust me, it’s all a part of the journey. Like my mother always says, “We go through bad days so we can have stories to tell when the good days finally come.”
Like many, birthdays aren’t just any other day to me. Even though I don’t do so much to mark them, I take them as milestones — landmarks to sit back and think in retrospect how I’ve fared in the last year. I use them as an opportunity to reflect and look back about the steps I’ve taken and the moves I refused or actually failed to make. No, they’re not really days for me to regret or mope on the what-could-have-been, they are just another chance to be grateful, set new goals and look forward to a more challenging year.
However, I still get down in the dumps sometimes. Maybe due to some horrible experiences I’ve had, but the truth is, my life hasn’t been a bed of roses. I have a lot of folks, especially younger ones looking up to me — which means my failure isn’t just mine to bear alone — it somehow rubs off on these ones. So, it’s a lot of pressure and responsibilities. And whether I like it or not, the truth is glaring for all to see: I’m an investment — and if I love to admit it or otherwise — so, it’s time I started bringing the returns.
It was a blessed day in April 1991, and because of the circumstances surrounding my birth and coincidentally happening on a Tuesday — a day of victory in Yoruba tradition — my excited mother didn’t hesitate to name me “Oluwasegun” (meaning, the Lord has conquered the battle). She still tells me some of the events that happened that day, but that’s a story for another day. So, that infant born less than three decades ago is still here, growing in leaps and bounds, but what has life really taught him?
1. Priorities Change and That’s Okay
As funny as it may sound, right from the young age of 13, I’ve always dreamed of getting married before I’m 30. I probably attended or saw many weddings on TV as a kid, and I loved babies — and definitely the idea of raising a united family — that I always looked forward to settling down with my heartthrob at a young age, but looking back, I just laugh now. How naive I was! Well, except I buy a wedding suit and exchange nuptial vows in the next 11 months, I might as well cross that off my bucket list now.
Life is full of uncertainties, and that’s why it’s good to live a day at a time. I’ve seen so many people who seemed to have life working for them reduced to paupers in a matter of months. And I’ve witnessed folks who had it rough at the beginning become a role model and source of inspiration to those who want to be successful today. It only takes proper planning and reevaluation of priorities to stay sailing on the tides of life.
2. Don’t Feel Too Small (or Too Big) to Ask for Help
You see, I’m naturally shy — and you might even call me socially awkward. I take time to make new friends, and what’s worse — I hardly reach out for help. I always love to figure things out on my own, no matter what it costs or how long it takes. That might sound like a good thing, but it has its downsides: I could wait till I’m tall enough to see the beautiful scenery ahead of me, or I could just ask for a shoulder to climb on. Actually, the latter option is easier but it was often my last resort. I realised that in my final year as an undergraduate, unfortunately, it was almost too late. If I’d sought enough assistance as an undergraduate from people who knew better, I’d have done better. But no time for regrets now.
The first time I had to travel to Lagos for a job interview, my Mum insisted I stay at her aunt’s. Well, I’ve never been there before — and I hadn’t even seen this aunt in a decade — but my Mum gave me this detailed address to her aunt’s residence and reiterated every time we spoke while I was in transit, “If you ever find yourself stranded, just ask for directions.” And so I did.
3. Everybody Needs a Friend, So Be a Friend that Somebody Needs
I get lonely sometimes. Even though I enjoy my solitude more than any other thing, sometimes, I just want to talk someone who really cares. Maybe not really hear them talk back or even have some words of comfort to offer, but sometimes, I just want to vent and rant endlessly — let off steam and talk to someone who understands I don’t want anything else but a listening ear.
Some months ago, I was broke and needed to pay some bills. The last thing I wanted to do was tell a female friend or expect anyone other than my family or closest male pals to help me out. But there was this amazing lady I’ve been chatting with — we’ve never even met in person — offering to pay my bills with everything she had realised that week from her business, because, according to her, I was “always there for [her]” and she wanted to “do same”. Even though I declined the offer to her dismay, it was a gesture I’ll never forget in a lifetime. And that’s just one of them. God has blessed me with so many amazing and beautiful friends, and I hope they can say the same about me.
4. Be a Fountain, not a Drain
One of the things I’ve grown to hate the most in relationships is when it’s strictly one-sided. And I always advise against it — a relationship that only takes away from you without giving you any sense of joy and fulfilment is not worth it. Sadly, if you’re one with a big heart, you usually have to be the one who bears the brunt and “carries” the relationship. If you ever find yourself caught in this web, the best you can do for yourself is to break free and walk away. It saves you from a lot of unrealistic expectations, severe heartbreaks and glum tears.
However, be an encourager — a source of refreshment, hope and reassurance to people around you. Trust me, if everyone strives to add value to the next person without taking advantage of their tenderheartedness, the world will surely be a better place and a safe haven for all of us, but homo homini lupus…
5. Avoid Toxic Relationships
I’ve always wanted to write something about moving on from toxic relationships, I’ve just never taken the time to sit down to it. Toxic relationships drain life out of you. They steal your joy, make you doubt your worth and kills you slowly.
Months back, I had to break up with a girl I’ve known for over 4 years. We had an on-off relationship because we hardly saw eye-to-eye on many things, and boy can she hold a grudge! While I wouldn’t want anyone to think I’m an immaculate angel or some sort of sacrosanct human, my ex-girlfriend was a drama queen. We could argue days on end over trivial issues and she’d eventually shut down and resort to emotional blackmail. And that’s a trait I detest with every breath. Any slight argument and she’d already be threatening a breakup. I saw so many red flags but I just overlooked them. In my wildest dream, I could love her into loving me truly.
Eventually, it had to end. And looking back, I’m glad it did. I deserved better than I got, and if it didn’t end, I would never have truly understood that reality. Yes I still miss her some times, but that chapter is long closed now. No rancour. No grudge. No bitterness. In fact, I thank her for the precious lessons she indirectly taught me. I wish her well and I hope she’s doing okay too. Same goes for every friend, relative and acquaintance I had to bid farewell because of the hurt and grief they brought me. While it was hard to live with and overcome, I broke through. I’m a better man now, at peace with myself, and I owe that to everyone who brought me here.
6. Love People, but Start with Yourself
Often, people find themselves jumping from one relationship to another today, because they’re hardly fulfilled. Even when they seem to have found the perfect match, they’re hardly content. There’s a hole in their hearts that nobody can fill. They lack faith and trust in others even when their intentions are genuine, and you can’t blame them: they’re just broken inside.
I always advise people who had to go through a breakup to take some time to figure themselves out well and heal before they move to the next one. However, the saddest part of it is that many people never really take the time before hopping on to the next relationship train because they don’t want to be lonely. Sadly, they can barely keep up. Those flaws still continue to show and they end up in the same dark cycle. They keep seeking validation from every other person but forget to listen to the one who matters the most — themselves!
When it comes to love, the laws are simple and the truth remains: you can’t give what you don’t have. When you see people who don’t value the people in their lives and the sincere efforts and sacrifice others make to be around them, there’s one thing missing: they hate themselves from within. That’s why you never stay around damaged people for too long, otherwise, they end up damaging you too. And like I always say, “Some people are best loved from a distance.”
7. Time DOESN’T Heal All Wounds
My maternal aunt — my Mum’s only full sibling passed away after a brief illness in 2014. We were pretty close. In fact, my Mum who was with her for some time before she passed on told me how she wanted me to come visit her so badly. She had a pet name for me and pampered me like a child whenever I visited. I never imagined she wouldn’t survive the illness, so I didn’t visit her because I was caught up with the travails of my academics. I still regret that decision till now.
Frankly, I still miss her. I couldn’t even summon enough courage to attend her funeral. I keep blaming myself for letting her down, and that’s been so hard to live with. That’s not all, I was sexually abused as a child by an older female playmate and it haunted me for years. Because of my small stature as a primary school pupil and later as a secondary school student, I was bullied physically and verbally. It brought me a lot of shame and low self-esteem. In fact, it made me want to stay by myself most times.
Today, I can say I’ve overcome many of those dark memories — but not all. Some of those scars still remain buried in my skin, engraved in my heart and the gory images are stuck in my brain. It’s not totally hopeless for me though; I believe I’m getting better every day. The only sad thing is, some of these age-old scars will never totally heal. They’ll always bleed afresh at every simple bruise. Regardless, I’m prepared to move past the shame and live a worthy life.
8. People Change, So Be Prepared
Honestly, I’m the last guy to advise anyone to be cynical, because it’s detrimental. Living a paranoid life and always looking out for the worst of everyone around you will eventually come to haunt you. You live in utter distrust and no matter how hard anyone tries to prove their genuine love, you just don’t buy it.
Regardless of the bad experiences I’ve had with people I loved and trusted blindly, I still try to give my best to everyone, just as my parents taught me; respect them especially if they’re older, and help them as far as my strength can carry me. However, it’s always sad when the same ones you’ve served selflessly decide to turn against you and pull you down instead. What’s worse — they can ally with strangers to put you down, laugh at you and berate your efforts. That’s not only just sad, it can damage your self-esteem and make you feel worthless.
So, it’s only best to help others with no expectation to get any recompense from them, but just an act of sacrifice and love for humanity. Most times, you end up disappointed at how they repay your kind gestures, but never let it get to you. Keep doing good always.
9. Never Forget GOD!
Well, I wish I could omit this for people who don’t believe in the existence of a Supreme Being, but I really can’t. I’ve been at my lowest many times, caught up in a state of chaos with no human help forthcoming. And that was when He came through and pulled me out of the crisis, gave me peace and put my distressed heart at ease. He is the trustworthy One I could run to in tears on my knees when everyone I trusted turned their backs against me.
I’m grateful for this breath of life, every lesson, every blessing and every person He has brought my way to help me out in a way or the other. I owe Him all the thanks. He is the Guiding Force that puts me at ease even in the middle of raging crises. No one else gives me that satisfaction and inner peace. And that’s why I recommend that everyone who wants comfort, peace and joy should come to God because only He has it in abundance.
It’s been a long journey, and I believe there’s still a long way to go. Over all, I’ve realised that life is a precious gift, and should be duly cherished. Like I always say, it’s obvious I have yet to arrive at my destination, so I’ll keep moving on. Like every other human, I still make mistakes. I stumble and fall, but I don’t dwell on it for long.
Even though I still walk around with many scars and stories behind them, I’m in a happy place. I’ve learnt so much, but it still feels so little. This is why I live in the moment always. I stopped stressing over things I know I can’t control. Also, I’ve gained the confidence to look in the mirror, admire myself and speak positive words to myself while laughing at my flaws. It’s unspeakable bliss!
If you took your time to read this far, then, you must have picked a thing or two from my homily. Don’t forget that you have all it takes to succeed, and regardless of how gloomy your past had been, you can always pick yourself up and move on. I’ve contemplated suicide at some point in my life. I’ve been wrongfully accused of what I didn’t do. I’ve been beaten, hated and despised for telling the truth. For so long, I was bitter and aggressive, wondering why it had to be me, but I’m happy it changed me for better. Trust me, you can be better too, and I’ll love to see you do that. So, dearest, I’ll be watching you, and cheering you on as you set out on your path to live that better life. I‘ll be praying for you, because I love you and I want to see you overcome too.
See you at the top. Ciao!
